A Question Regarding Ambulance LTD

In the second verse of the song “Anecdote” by Ambulance LTD, is he singing about using heroin or giving himself a stranger before he falls asleep? I honestly can’t tell.

Shopping With Mannheim Steamroller

Merchandise catalogs packed inside CD jewel cases are nothing new. Some discs have booklets promoting the artist’s previous releases or you might find bands plugging t-shirts and the like. This is totally normal.

Regardless, I was totally unprepared for the advertisement that fell out of the new Halloween album from Mannheim Steamroller.

Okay, because I know you’re curious, let’s first address the mere existence of a Halloween album. From Mannheim Steamroller.

If you know them at all, you probably recognize Mannheim Steamroller from their Christmas music, which consists of the kind of synthed-out Holiday jingles that mysteriously make your teeth feel cleaner, because you’d generally never hear that kind of music outside of a dentist’s office.

Because they’re savvy businesspeople, they realized they could increase their income by seizing upon another holiday and releasing more godawful music themed around it—hence the Halloween album. It’s a two-disc set, 50% of which is their take on music vaguely reminiscent of horror movies, the other 50% of which is all-original spooky sounds, which, if you hadn’t guessed, adds up to 100% awful.

Also because they’re savvy businesspeople, they included the aforementioned catalog of Mannheim Steamroller-branded products.

Even at first glance, it’s clear this is not your standard band merch, mostly thanks to the cover which proudly displays the words “YUMMIES REORDER CATALOG” over what appears to be a fuzzy picture of several dildos.

Now, there are several disturbing things about this, but the most disturbing has to be their use of the word “reorder,” as if most people who see this catalog will have already ordered from them and this is just a convenient opportunity for them to replenish their supply of Great American GramaChef Special Nebraska Recipe Steak Salt.

Inside the catalog, I found barbeque supplies and warm beverages, followed by their line of Mannheim Steamroller Body Ambience candles and lotions. Why these products have anything to do with a band who makes marginally tolerable holiday music or why anyone would want to buy them will both puzzle and haunt me until I die.

To be fair, they did try to explain themselves. Someone—allegedly a band member—wrote some blurbs to go along with the products, including this paragraph Mannheim Steamroller Chip wrote to describe their Body Ambience Candles, which, by the way, appear to be dollar store votives in shot glasses printed with the band logo and product name in the tackiest font available not called Comic Sans:

“I created the idea of this series to address human feelings. Music is the core … scent (candles) to express time and place … Shampoo and Body Washes and Lotions to include touch and water. The end result should be a rejuvenating and relaxing experience. Light the candle … turn down the lights … put on a CD/DVD … and don’t listen, feel!”

I just want to clarify that the ellipses are his and not mine. They actually appear in the catalog, which leads me to believe either his keyboard is broken or someone edited some even crazier shit out of this product description.

Fortunately for you, who I couldn’t imagine would ever actually own a Mannheim Steamroller CD, all of these products and more are available for purchase online. If you spend 90 dollars, you get free shipping. They don’t mention this on the site, but if you spend 90 dollars, you’re automatically qualified for the Special Olympics as well.

Start shopping!

Some Albums I’ve Enjoyed This Year OR Listen as Jeff Turns Old and Bland

Possible proof that I’m getting old: several of my favorite albums of 2006 would sell briskly if merchandised properly at Starbucks.

I’m not saying everything I’ve liked this year is bland and ready to blow up on the Soccer Mom circuit, but a staggering percentage of it is. Here are some records I’ve liked this year that make me wonder if I’ve lost what little edge I had:

* James Hunter - People Gonna Talk: College radio had never introduced me to anything worthwhile before James Hunter. On a Saturday morning in April (It was Picnic Day, as a matter of fact) I scurried around, hurriedly trying to track down some cash and some breakfast and some booze to keep me prepared and strong and wobbly for the rest of the day. While I drove around, I flipped radio stations and stopped immediately when I landed on my old college radio station and heard the title track from this James Hunter record. It sounded like an airy traditional ska track with vocals by Sam Cooke, much in the same way as “Come Back Baby” by The Slackers, which is only one of my favorite song of all time. The only difference being that this James Hunter song sounds like it has forty-plus years of dust on it. Two more songs from the record followed. When the DJ back-announced it, I wrote down his name and immediately checked it out as soon as I came home. I was shocked to discover People Gonna Talk, a very vintage-sounding Soul record that owes to artists like Ray Charles, came out this year and that it was recorded by a white Brit. I am way into it, but I bet your dad will be into it more.

* Josh Rouse - Subtitulo: I feel least weird about liking this album because I’ve loved Josh Rouse for years and this doesn’t stray much if at all from the style of his last two albums. Still, my favorite song from the album, “Quiet Town,” extols the virtues of living as far away from excitement and stimulation as possible. Then, other tracks like “Givin’ It Up,” a song about realizing he’s an alcoholic after a night of prolific drinking and subsequently checking into rehab, deal with adult issues to which I simply can’t relate. Still, it’s set to Tavares-esque strings and all I hear is ROLLERSKATE JAM. Aside from “Summertime,” which makes use of the word “fingerbanging,” which is strictly the domain of twelve-year-olds (and never fails to make me laugh), this album is pretty much strictly for middle-agers. I wonder if I’d like it if he hadn’t won me over several records ago.

* Sondre Lerche - Duper Sessions: Okay, you may not have a grasp on exactly how much music I listen to, but let’s just say it’s a lot. If I listen to an album twice, it’s pretty good. If I listen to it three times, it’s officially awesome. If it gets past that, I would probably marry it if man and property were allowed to mate. I have listened to Two Way Monologue, no exaggeration, probably around 500 times over the last three years or so. That’s partially out of comfort and partially because there’s so much going on in the background of these songs that I still pick out new things when I listen. When I heard he was in the studio recording a jazz-pop album, I was puzzled to say the least. When I got an Astralwerks sampler featuring “Everyone’s Rooting For You,” though, I think the glee might have caused me to wet myself ever-so-slightly. The full-length, which is chock full of Chet Baker-esque jazz quartet tracks, is just light and free and wonderful. I’ve probably listened to this more than any other album other album this year aside from the new Phoenix (Astralwerks has been killing it lately if you haven’t been paying attention). After his next album, which is supposed to be jagged, loud power pop songs, I really hope he decides to cut a record of Bossa Nova tracks. It might inspire people to start having cocktail parties again.

* Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae: Home for lunch, like, two months ago, I found myself flipping through the video channels and stopped on VH1 Soul when I caught a bit of a Corinne Bailey Rae video. It sounded and looked way different than most of what you’d normally see on VH1 Soul, which is usually so stylistically consistent anything even an inch from the norm tends to stand out. I made note of the name, but didn’t bother to do any further research. When I was in a Capitol meeting shortly thereafter, though, they talked about how she is a priority for them and played a little bit of her music. They gave me a copy of the full-length and I threw it on while I cleaned my apartment that night. Most of it sounded like generic, grown ‘n’ sexy smooth R&B, but two songs stood out. The first being the leadoff track, “Like a Star,” which I liked when I saw the aforementioned video, then loved when I realized I could pretend she was saying “Jeff’s” (contraction for “Jeff is”) instead of “Just” (give it a listen and try not to hear that now [please also try not to think about how self-centered I am]). The other song I fell for is “Call Me When You Get This,” a breezy early-’90s-sounding Summer jam. At the end of the chorus, she sings “if you’re still awake/call me when you get this.” I love it when songwriters use lyrics that conversational (there’s a similar moment in Ghostface’s “Shakey Dog” where he says “I’m like, ‘holy shit!’” that makes it seem like it’s just a dude telling a story for a little bit). The thing that stands out about this, however, is that whenever anyone has called someone, maybe after a few drinks, and left a late night message that ends with “if you’re still awake, call me when you get this,” it comes at a moment of total vulnerability and that sort of vulnerability is extremely rare in pop music. It’s that moment that brought me back to this album and made me listen to it several times when I could have just as easily written it off after the first listen. It’s one of my favorite songs of the year. If you listen to it, you might understand why that makes me feel old.