Coca-Cola Blak Is The New Crack

When I was at Safeway picking up some broccoli and bananas earlier this week, I came across a new drink and thought to myself, “that could be just disgusting enough to work.”

That drink? It’s called Coca-Cola Blak.

Even though they went for the edgy (mis)spelling (what, dudes, no exes or zees?), it bills itself as a “carbonated fusion beverage,” which sounds about as sexy as “processed cheese product.”

The fusion part of that billing refers to Coke Blak’s unholy marriage of coke and coffee, though you won’t find that mentioned anywhere on the packaging other than the ingredients list, which names “coffee extract” fifth down, after “high fructose corn syrup,” but before “caffeine.”

Coke chose to use their iconic glass bottles to package Blak, which is cool, but they inexplicably chose to top it with a plastic cap, which is kind of like buying a BMW, then slapping a sparkly “100% Bitch” sticker on the bumper. Also, the bottle comes tightly wrapped in a plastic sleeve, which makes it nearly impossible to see what’s inside without pouring it into a glass. If you’re going to name your product after a color, you might want to let us see exactly how Blak this crap is. The truth is, it’s not very Blak. It’s more Drk Brwn.

Even with all those negatives, I still bought some. I was curious and excited to try it, but completely prepared to be repulsed.

I have the same reaction every time R. Kelly drops a new album, by the way.

Anyway, with my expectations low and the Blak cold, I cracked open a bottle and gave it a go.

Blak is surprisingly fragrant, giving off a toffee scent on open. I expected the drink to be bitter. Honestly, I expected it to have the taste and texture of Guiness, only, you know, without all the wonderful drunkifying properties. In reality, it tastes like a combination of caramel and toasted almonds.

Because Coca-Cola Blak is cut with artificial sweetners, it doesn’t have the sticky, gritty mouthfeel of Coke Classic and it’s only about a quarter as caloric. Both of these things are awesome.

Now, this might have something to do with the fact that I cut myself off from caffeine last week, but drinking this first gave me a detatched, lightheaded feeling, which eventually gave way to a mild case of The Bonkers. Your mileage may vary if your brush with Blak isn’t your first taste of caffeine in several days.

Though Coke could certainly market and package Blak more effectively, they’ve built a unique and surprisingly tasty drink.

Verdict: Delicious!

Question

If Larry is a Cable Guy, how can he also be a Health Inspector? How can Larry handle two jobs? If he is indeed both of these things, as well as The World’s Most Irritating Stand-up Comedian six years running, he truly is a rennaissance man. A bare-armed, homophobic, aggresssively unfunny renaissance man. Bravo, sir.

So Alone and Looking So Fine

Download: The Siren Six : “If You’re Not Now (You Never Were)”
In potential Skabba The Hut news, a band called Big City Rock released a self-titled full-length on Atlantic a few weeks ago. It’s a synth-pop record guided by the hand of Fountains of Wayne’s Adam Schlesinger that ends up sounding something like The Killers for people who thought The Killers were too edgy.

Now, normally, I wouldn’t care about this, but two things put this on my radar: 1) I had to watch the band’s EPK (which strangely makes them look like an Xtian band) in meetings with their label/distributor on several occasions, which leads me to believe that Big City Rock may get the attention (meaning: funds) they need to get major exposure, and 2) they used to be in a ska band called The Siren Six.

That none of their promotional materials (from what I can tell, anyway) mentions this band makes me think they might be embarrassed about it, hence the Skabba The Hut comment. The thing is, though, their recorded output as The Siren Six—especially the Young and Professional EP—is almost uniformly superior to what little they’ve released as Big City Rock. “If You’re Not Now (You Never Were),” which I’ve linked above, is a great example of this.

I’ve disavowed any knowledge of most of what I listened to during the dark period of my life when I was, like, way into ska and pop-punk, but I’ve held onto my love for The Siren Six and this song in particular. I love everything from the fist-pumping drum intro to the organs to the wanky guitar solo to the lyrics, which, though they aren’t particularly deep or important, manage to simultaneously convey a feeling of arrogance and self-deprecation, which is no easy feat. Maybe it’s just the personal memories I have associated with it, but “If You’re Not Now” is all fun-times sunshiney goodness. Since Spring is here and it’s allegedly sunny in some parts of the country, I thought I’d pass the song along.

Also, when you hear Big City Rock’s “All of the Above” on the radio and try to guess why someone thought it would be a good idea to rip off “Somebody Told Me,” but give it even dumber lyrics, you can listen to this and wonder what went wrong.